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For every effect (result) in our relationships there is a cause or a series of causes. If we want healthy relationships we need to trace back from the current situation and identify the cause or causes. Most of us are surprised to find that what is at the root of all that is happening in our relationships are the thoughts we have about the relationship. In order to have a happy and healthy relationship it is most important part that we realize that our thoughts are causes and the current state of the relationship is the result. Thoughts of aggravation or resentment, even if justified, cannot produce the results of peace, contentment, and joy.

We have to believe it to see it, not the other way around. Whatever we tell ourselves with feeling about our relationship we will eventually believe. We see whatever we have already decided to believe. Once a belief gets locked in, we look for evidence that the belief is true. For instance, once we believe that our partner does not care about us we find evidence of that fact everywhere we look. How many of us have used the phrase; “if s/he loved me s/he would….or would not”? This is our way of gathering evidence to support our belief. The belief comes first and then the search for evidence. This selective perception is our own personal version of reality. If I believe that my partner does not care for me, I will have no trouble finding lots of evidence to prove that my belief is true.

Our minds hold images rather than words; we can only hold one image at a time in our conscious mind. We can't eliminate a thought or image directly. Telling ourselves not to think something is sure to make the thought more prominent. The mind does not have an image of “not” or don't. For instance when we tell our children “not to run” the image the mind holds is “run”. Take a minute, close your eyes and think of a blue light, keep thinking of it but do not think a red light, do not think of a red light. You have probably found that you cannot help but have the red light intrude. It is difficult to think on the reverse of something. We have to substitute the negative image with a new image. I cannot just start telling myself not to think about another's shortcomings I have to replace the image of the shortcomings with images of positive qualities.

In order to create anything physically we have to first image it, create in our mind; we have to imagine it. All the great inventors had to have a mental model of their invention before they could make a physical model. The same is true for relationships; we have to first imagine what a positive relationship would look like, how it would operate. A strong relationship starts in the inside of each of the persons in the relationship; it starts with our thoughts on the inside and works its way to the outside. If we want good relationships we need to be willing to free ourselves of the old ways of thinking and imagine what the possibilities for the relationship are.

What we focus on is what we get. What ever we emphasize about those with whom we are in relationship is what grows and expands. If we dwell on the things the person does to irritate or demonstrate their lack of care. If we dwell on the positive qualities, strengths and the many ways we are enhanced by this person, we will get more satisfaction in the relationship. If we focus on the good we will get more good, if we focus on the not so good or bad we will get more of it. We need to be careful where we place our mental energy. What ever we stop thinking about will atrophy and die away. So we need to refuse to entertain thoughts of deficiency, problems, disappointment and worry. Choose to think about good things! We do have a choice, love is a decision.

“Finding the ExtraOrdinary Marriage: A Guide to Building Strong, Loving and Compassionate Couple Relationships Using Appreciative Inquiry”

“If we focus we focus on marriage as a mystery to be embraced, marriage as a dance of love, we will get a marriage that is alive and vibrant, changing and growing as we change and grow

In this book, the Hoxseys apply the principles of Appreciative Inquiry to their own marriage after a personal tragedy they experienced in 2002. It chronicles the application of the Ai principles to their long marriage and how these principles helped them find the best of who they are as a couple and use that knowledge to begin the healing process. Any couple, married or not, will find this book helpful in finding out “what works” in their relationship and getting more of it rather than looking at what is wrong with the relationship and trying to get rid of the problems.

“If we focus only on problems and challenges in our relationships we will not have the energy to create and build extraordinary ones” states James Berry. “If we focus on the strengths and view the challenges as opportunities for growth, the problems will still come, but we will have the energy to not only survive them but to transform them and ourselves.” ( Gail and James Berry commenting on the program they developed for the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment ACME using the book “Finding the ExtraOrdinary Marriage”.)

Appreciative Inquiry is, at its heart, the search for what is of value in people. Based on the work of David L. Cooperrider, PhD of Case Western University , Weatherhead School of Management, Appreciative Inquiry is a process designed to look for what is working and get more of it rather than looking for what is wrong and getting rid of it. The process consists of what is known as the 4 D Cycle

In the Discover phase we begin the actual inquiry by doing a one on one interview asking positive questions about “the best of” so if we want to know what makes good teams we might ask questions centered on the best experience people have had of being part of a team. If we were inquiring about communications in the family we might start by asking about the best experiences of communications members of the family have had.

Once we have discovered what the best experiences of the people involved have been we begin to think about what strengths these discoveries have uncovered. From the realization of the strengths of the system we begin to dream about what the future looks like when all of these strengths have been fully realized. This is the imagining phase of the process, the time when we are encouraged to imagine the best possible future for the organization or group.

Design

Once the dreams have been spoken the group begins to think about how those dreams might be realized. “What is it that we can design that will make our dreams come true?” Participants begin to realize that there is a way to make their dreams come true. Using our example of teams for instance, the group can see that if they design processes which includes people's best experiences of team work, they can build on what has already been proven to work. They can take what is already working and get more of it.

This is the phase of the process where the design is activated. It is also the phase of the process where we begin to assess where we are in terms of the dream we are creating by once again beginning the inquiry into what is the best. An Appreciative Inquiry is an on-going process of inquiring into the best of who we are. We continue to look for the positive core and build upon it.

Appreciative Inquiry is a collaborative and highly participative, system wide approach to seeking, identifying, and enhancing the “life-giving forces that are present when a system is performing optimally in human, economic, and organizational terms. It is a journey during which profound knowledge of a human system at its moments of wonder is uncovered and used to co-construct the best and highest future of that system.”